Carly Simon said it best...

This morning, I shuffle up some Itunes and the first song that starts playing is "I haven't got time for the pain" This has been my life's theme song lately. Unfortunately, the pain isn't so much listening. The weekend, I was pissy and grouchy. I actually yelled at the kids this weekend, twice. I think it scared the honey and the kids. Mostly they scattered like ants, then came back in a while to crawl over my legs and bite me when i wasn't looking. The pain gets to me, alot. I find myself being more and more short-fused and less patient the longer the pain stays with me. We are on month 3. Full 3 months of nothing but everyday pain. I never thought that I would wish for my once a week migraines, but they would be a relief from what I experience every day since the accident.

I am not a holiday person. I don't care for them, I am not a party planner, I have no holiday decorations of any sort. I don't' dislike them, holidays that is, I just don't get all giggly, crafty and excited about them. It is a chore to buy the shit, set up the shit, find a place to store said shit for 11.5 months out of every year. I have enough clutter and crap around my house that I can't seem to get contained that I have absolutely zero use for pumpkins, Easter bunnies, stars and stripes, etc.

Now you may be wondering if I do the winter holidays. Well, simply put, no, I do not. I am agnostic, but my kids celebrate Christmas. I do not own a Christmas tree or stockings or tree decorations or house lights or anything of this nature. Under normal circumstances, I would give into a Christmas tree, if my kids so desired, however, I do not live under normal circumstances. The first of special circumstances is that in the 12 years I have been divorced, I have had my kids for 3 Christmases. The second of special circumstances is that on those 3 occasions, we have been at Grandmas' houses. Every other year, that's 9 of 'em for those counting, I have been on my own. My family doesn't do holidays since my brother died, so I usually am with friends or alone. How fun do you think it is to sit home by yourself on Christmas, missing your kids staring at a blinking Christmas tree? I did this the first year I was divorced and it ranks up there, I'm pretty sure, with sticks in your eyes. The kids don't miss out, we (me and kids) do gifts and fun when they return from vacation, we have a special day where we eat a holiday meal, open gifts, lounge around playing with all our new stuff, and even since moving to Colorado, we've got to enjoy skiing and playing in the snow. It just isn't on the actual Christmas day. And generally, on Christmas day, they are with cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. Oh yeah, another added benefit for me, I get to generally shop the after Xmas sales for the kids stuff. If I find it before, awesome, but I generally wait. I miss a ton of crowds actually buying stuff, and don't have to return anything until the lines die down a week or so later. That is truly a beautiful thing about my holiday schedule.

Now, I digress to the purpose of that little rant. I found myself in a rush to locate a Halloween costume for the Boy. And then Halloween candy and decorations for some party he is attending, planning or something. Generally aggravating being beaten about the head and shoulders with the super-excited moms, pushing and shoving to get little johnny or janie the costume of this years dreams. Its just rude. Now, don't get me wrong, sometimes I envy you moms who have the heart and soul and energy to put into every tiniest detail for your little ones. And I did for costumes and whatnot when my kids were little ones and they trick or treated. But they are teenagers now. The "bunny" costume doesn't cut it. They generally want (need?) it to be the quality of a Hollywood horror film special effects costume. And I just don't have the energy for this. I also don't have the energy for this 3 days before the actual occasion. My kids are notorious (around my world anyway) for having an emergency need RFN. You can reference a few weeks ago when the Princess needed thermal pants the night before her cross country regionals, 15 mins before store closings. (If I knew how to link posts, I would)

In addition to the mad dash for costumes and candy and all calamity that came with that. I still cannot hardly move my neck, and constantly on some sort of muscle relaxer or pain med, tired from not sleeping well, and want to chop off my head to make it all stop. The boy also has some sort of rash on his stomach. The last time we took him in for a rash, they said it was some kind of allergy, and sent him home. Ugh.. but, you know how insurance works, you have to go to your primary care doctor, and force them to refer you to a dermatologist before you can actually do anything otherwise its not covered. Blah blah blah. I absolutely despise the bureaucracy of the US medical system. It's a crock. Nonetheless, must be done. I think the princess needs to have a new physical too. Hrm, must look into this.

Work is busy this week, hopefully some interviews for some help. I am busy building desktops and workin the phones, trying to stay on top of things. Coping with pain does not make doing one's job easier. The distraction is constant. I don't do a very good needy one.

Had a bit of fun in game this weekend. Still don't get to play much due to the inability to sit at my computer for long periods of time. Oh well, was fun while it lasted. Watched a couple movies with the Boy. The girl had plans and had to shuffle her around town for social life. She was not happy about me requiring her to clean and help around the house. She says she is working on her grades. Had lunch on Saturday with some friends. The honey actually helped them move some furniture, I didn't do anything but socialize and play with their baby. He's such a cutie pie.

somedays

you just dont' want to crawl out of bed. I love my job, but i think i need a day off, soonish. Too bad i'm all out of vacation, or will be once i take all my holiday time off. I spose soon enough it will be thanksgiving and I will have a whole week off. In the meantime, I am busy.

Princess made varsity again, on XC. Its a fluctuating thing, she has to keep her times down. However, she did qualify for regionals and she gets to go to durango now. Which is what she was really striving for this season. She wants to see all her friends. Can't say that I blame her. I hope she gets to see them, even for a couple minutes.

The Boy was sacked out by like 6pm last night. I think he rode his ass off yesterday when he went on his little bike ride. Good for him, but still totally unlike him to just be asleep, and he was out.

I also think part the reason he sacked out was pure upsettedness. He got a voicemail from john advising that he (Ex) wasn't going to stop on his move to san diego. Then Princess said she actually talked to him and he said it was shorter to go through albuquerque. What an ass. Thats all i have to say. He has no idea how much his stupid little bullshit voicemail and phone call broke the kids hearts. Will they ever tell him that? hell no. Will he ever get a clue that he hurts them? probably not. God damn, that stupid shit pisses me off. No sense in getting into it with him though. he can't see other people's reasoning, especially not while he has his little potwhore. oh well *sigh*. maybe around 40ish he will grow up. By then his kids won't give a shit and they will be almost in college. maybe they will want to hang out and smoke pot with their dad. cripes, is that the best that they will want to do? i hope not. I hope he has pulled his head out before then.

PT yesterday was painful to say the least. I actually love the exercises and i know that they are what will help me get better, but damn, am i hurting after. mostly my neck though. I actually notice improvement with my knee and lower back. I am incurring a small fortune in co-pays. sheesh. You don't realize what 8 weeks times 2 session per week @ $25 per session is really nicking you for. And... thats not all of it. I have at LEAST another 6 weeks of it. Man, I wish I coulda saved that much. I would definately be able to afford my family vacation this summer.. ha!, we'll see. I will know around thanksgiving if traveling is even an option, at least now.

Hitting the library book sale this weekend. I love those. Also plan on doing some gaming tonight and tomorrow. I still am rather stressed out about the whole guild shit, but oh well, it will do what needs to be done. I just don't have the time or energy to put into it. Already I am stressed far too much over a stupid game.

{listening to 10538 Overture by ELO}

grumblin'

{Listening to: #34 by Dave Matthews Band}

I am tired. I am in pain. did i mention tired?
Ok, paused to get coffee.. yumm. today is a chilly, foggy day. I haven't watched the news to find out if its going to rain or snow or ice . Princess and I cleaned the house during the week. Not fun by any means, but the house is mostly clean. I think i might try carpets. I also might see about getting the damn tile laid out in the downstairs shower. Maybe i can start that. It needs to be done before the other shower falls apart. heh. Things you worry about when you buy a fixer upper. I love our house. I am tired of it bein white trash. I wish Honey would do more, but i can't seem to coax it out of him. Now that he has a job, maybe we can save for it.

Speaking of saving. I advised Honey that i would like to take a family vacation, on an airplane, staying in a hotel or rented condo next summer. I am hoping to get passports in the works too. but need to figure out what we are doing

Honey cracks me up. He bought himself a Nintendo DS today. Why? well, because he wanted something as "yipee i got a job" and because it will transfer games from the Nintendo WI. This made me laugh because the Wi isn't even out yet. You can't even pre-order it. Then he asked what i wanted for my b-day. Honestly, I don't know. The bathroom finished? help consistently cleaning the house? not to be in pain? no debt? plane tickets to AZ for thanksgiving?
Princess has a meet today. I hope she does well. She is still running varsity. I am proud of her and know that she is just kickin ass and takin names for a freshman. Found out that one of her XC teammates lives right by us. That is cool. Hardly any of them do. Her punishment for the grades is wearing off. I am letting her off with a week, and then once school starts she will be on limited computer time until her grades come up. No sense in dragging it out during the whole break, not going to help her at all.

The Boy's last football game was yesterday. He opted to ditch it. I can kinda understand why, he hasn't been played even in practice for the last couple weeks because of his tailbone, and in a 13 yr old mind, standing there is just a waste of time. There are people to chat it up with, things to do, etc. Still a bit pissed he gave up before the season was over, but oh well. He says he wants to run track. I hope he does. He's not the best athlete, but he tries and he's lost weight. I think he might do alright if he stuck with it. He just quits when he isn't the best. Now, his best friend is the best, the tallest,the most athletic, so i know its hard for christopher to not make a team or whatever. I hope he keeps tryin.

Ex was supposed to be here this weekend. Surprising (NOT!) that I haven't heard word one about whether he is stopping by to say hello for 10 mins to his kids. Stupid shit like that just annoys me. I think he will be surprised when i can't afford plane tickets for christmas. He needs to figure that out. I have paid or arranged payment for both kids on every holiday in the last like 3 yrs. He wants to see them, he can pay for it. Most of that has been me, willing to do whatever it takes to see Princess. Now, i love having them both with me, could care less really if they aren't with me for the holiday, and if he wants them, he needs to figure it out. And pay for it. I would consider helping him if he EVER followed through on a promise to help me out, but he hasn't, so i just don't give a shit. He can figure it out, see how it feels, work around my schedule. But that isn't even a consideration yet. He has to first talk to me about it. The last conversation was somewhat heated because i didn't give in to his every whim and volunteer to drop all my plans for what he wanted or volunteer to pay for it. We'll see how this pans out. The holidays aren't quite here yet.
{listening to Yaleo by Santana}
PS. I love the random shuffle on ITunes.