snowy day

Today we are getting a ton of snow.. with a winter advisory. I drove in it ok, but dang was it slick. I got to work a little before 6, and around 7 they delayed for 2 hrs with possible closure. Kids are home from school. The honey is working from home. I am busy here.. *sigh*..

I am a bit sore after PT, but not horrible. My neck is stiff, but I think its because I missed a week. Even though I exercised, I couldn't do all of them while on vacation. Driving on the ice doesn't help with neck tension.

VERY busy at work. I like it that way. Though I would like to go home and see what I can do from there.. heh.. home is good.

vacation

so i haven't posted in over a week. The reason being that I was on vacation. A bona fide vacation. nothing to do, and limited places to be. The kids and I went to AZ to visit family for thanksgiving. It was a good time, mostly. I felt on the periphery of their lives and not really a part of my family, but that, i suppose is probably normal for me. I had one breakdown where i really felt excluded and i had to call the honey, who was in IA with his family and vent. The kids had fun and it was really great seeing my brother and sisters and their respective families. My new niece is just absolutely adorable. I didn't get to spend as much time with her as I would have liked, but she is just a princess. Everytime I called her princess Skylar she would smile huge at me. My baby sister's little girl is just a cutie pie too. Shy though, and got to where she would only let my sister and my daughter (THE princess) hold her. Though at the end of our trip, I got to playing with her and she just giggled and laughed. She is almost 2 and walks around brushing her hair and wanting her nails painted. She loves shoes and has the cutest little pair of fuzzy slippers. Man, the girls in my family are total princesses. I kept telling both my sisters that my daughter is the example of what their little princesses will grow into.... boy, clothes, shoes, makeup, label clothes CRAZY! Me and the kids stayed with my brother and I didn't get a chance to see my best friend from high school. But the kids did get to spend 2 days with their ex-stepmom who was happy as could be to see them. I spent time with my brother and his wife and had a great time. Got to know his wife a bit more as I didn't know her very well. We cooked and shopped and entertained the whole brood. It was good I think. We had a good time, but again, i just kinda felt on the periphery. I also got to spend some time with my nephew who is almost 18. Man, he has grown and is just like his dad used to be. Makes me miss his dad all that much more. I was so happy to see him. I think it had been 8 years or so.

My neck pretty much hurt the whole time and I didn't do much activity wise. We went shopping one day and my knee hurt. Thanksgiving day, I helped cook then drugged up. I couldn't do any of the family activities that we did, ie bowling, whiffle ball, swimming, because of my neck and current treatment. I really didn't want anything to happen or hurt myself any worse than I am already. My neck traveled on the plane pretty well, better than I expected, though the nights after the flights were a bit painful.

Had my MRI on my neck yesterday. It was somewhat relaxing. I just laid there and closed my eyes and meditated. Won't know the results for a week or so on that. I have PT today. I could tell that I missed it last week due to the holiday. I tried to do as many exercises as I could while I was gone, but I didn't have my ball or anything, so only did a few of them. Kept stretching my neck, but I do that all the time anyway. It just wouldn't let up on the stiffness.

The ex-husband called while on vacation. He said he was buying plane tickets. I still haven't seen them. Guess I'll have to call this weekend or something. If he doesn't take the kids, then we'll go skiing. It will be expensive, and sad that they don't get to see their dad or grandparents, but hey, he needs to step up to the plate.

Glad to be home. Looking forward to Xmas with the honey's family. Mine stresses me out.

one the verge..

I leave for vacation tomorrow. I am completely unprepared. I haven't packed, I haven't done laundry, the kids haven't packed or done laundry. The whole house is sick. the Boy stayed home from shool again today. The princess couldn't stay home and have her social life disrupted.

I had PT yesterday. I am sore today and not feeling that hot. My neck hurts like nobody's business and I am getting more and more anxious at going to AZ for the holiday. A week is a long time to be with my family and their dysfunction. But I am excited to see my new niece.

I am busy at work trying to get things done here before being gone for a week. I am also very very hungry. Lunch can't come soon enough.

stop, look around

{Listening to Different People by No Doubt}

well this has been a crazy crazy week. I am so very ill prepared for my trip this weekend. I don't have time for vacation!!!. Lets start where we left off last week: The weekend:

Saturday I was up at 6, out of the house by 8 to run errands, get my hair cut, colored, etc. Home by noon, tried to dye the boy's hair blue. It didn't work, went back to the store for hair stripper, tried again, still no dice on the blue hair. Friends came over, ate some dinner. Took the princess to her friends house for sleepover, took some meds and went to bed. My neck had been bothering me all day, but I just mostly kept pushing on because I had so many errands to do. The unfortunate part of it was that the most important errand didn't get done because the place was closed due to Veteran's day. The Honey was sick, so he contributed no help other. I don't blame him, he needed rest.
Sunday, up at 6 again, played WoW for about 30 minutes, logged off, picked up Princess from her friends house. I was stiff and sore and couldn't barely see, so I vegged on the couch and tried my ball exercises. I did what i could, but it didn't work out. Watched Friends With Money. Not as good a flick as I had hoped. Roommate made Traditional Lamb Stew, which was very tasty, but gave everyone the shits. The ass piss was worst for the Honey who still was not over being sick.
Monday, work at 6, new guy started. I do believe he has promise. Very busy day, things were kinda crazy, not much training, but a little. Got him started building his computer. He did much better than the other guy that was here did. MUCH better. This is promising! Honey left work at noon to go home and get some sleep before his trip on Tuesday. I had PT today. I left feeling worse than when I went, but the exercises are tough and they keep adding more. Home, pick up the Boy from basketball game at 7, then some culvers. Home, meds and bed.
Tuesday, whole house is up before the ass crack of dawn. Honey is leaving (on a jet aeroplane), Roommate is taking the kiddos to school, I have work. Started training the new guy today. Got things covered. I truly believe he will pick up the desktop stuff. Its going to be the custom applications. We'll see how the week goes. Went shopping for black shirts with the princess after work today. Found the Boy a black polo. Apparently, girls/women don't wear black polo's. We may be shopping in Phoenix. It snowed. My neck is feeling alright. I wouldn't say good, but i'm at least functioning. If I move a certain way, it gets stuck. And, by certain way, I mean anyway other that looking straight ahead. This is not new, its especially not new after Sore throat starting. Think I'm getting sick. Princess complains of sore throat too.
Wednesday, I have to drive on the ice. This did not help my neck. It was already hurting from a restless night of sleep. The Honey was gone. I had to go into late to work because I had to take the kids to school. It was slick as shit on the east side of town. Just enough snow to freeze on the street and make it icy. I was a big ball of nerves and stress. My neck was knotted by the time I got to work at 7:15. More training. Got some good time in today, the phones weren't very busy. I think I am going to have him take phone calls. Have the after hours meeting. It sucked. The guy talked for 30 min longer than he was supposed to, and then thought he cut it short. Asked a question, then got treated like a retard. They didn't order enough food, they brought like 6 sodas. Man, the assistant can't plan anything for the life of her. I was parched by the time the 2 hours of droning were over. Got 1 glass of a nice Merlot, chatted, wrapped up the meeting. Unsuccessfully tried to steal a lemon bar. Had to take the Princess to a practice for competitive cheerleading/tumbling. The coach wanted her to come and join because of her gymastics. Got home at 6, left house at 6:30, got stuck in traffic due to accident. I freaked out and had to sit in the car a little while. I still cannot drive in traffic. Some days the fear of being rear-ended is overwhelming. Picked up the Boy from basketball, talked to the Honey long enough to know that he was hung over and delayed in Chicago for 2 extra hours. Midnight arrival time. Took the Boy to grab some dinner, best buy to get his Tenacious D cd. I love Tenacious D and was a bit apprehensive about the boy getting it because of language, then second thought that this was a movie soundtrack, it will be ok. I was wrong. Now, again, I love Tenacious D, apparently the Boy does too, but no, the language is not tamer in this album than in any of their others. Boy loves it. Went and finished watching the princess practice. It was done around 9ish, got home 9:30 and tried to crash. Princess says she has a sore throat and a swollen eye. Boy's voice is scratchy and he is sniffly. My throat still hurts, my neck just gets worse as the day goes on. The longer that I actually have to do things, the more it hurts at night. Was just about asleep when the Honey got home and the dogs couldn't get to the door fast or loud enough. They were more than excited to see daddy.

Thursday, today, NOW! after getting to bed at around midnight, getting up in time for work was rough to say the least. My neck is killing me today, but I have PT. I guess that is good. I just remembered that the Roommate told me the MRI people called. I need to get the number from him and schedule that. Shit... More training today. I think I am going to let him take a phone call or 2 and coach him on that. We did rip apart 1 laptop yesterday and started getting them built. He did well. I am excited. The Boy is home sick from school. The Princess is going to miss 1st period, then go to 2nd period. Then call if she needs me to come get her. She said her eye is almost swollen shut, so did the Honey. Ugh. I dont' have time to leave early.

Thats where the day stands at almost 8:00am
{Listening to Disco Club by Blackeyed Peas}

waiting to exhale

{listening to Better off Alive by Train}

I hate PT yesterday. The regular PT is back and i dont' feel as good as when i was seeing the sub. I exercised hard yesterday, though, and that was good for me. I feel it. I can feel when I push my knee or lower back, but i think i still need the strength to build up if i ever want to do things like hike or ride a bike again. I am still waiting on the MRI appointment. Guess I will hear when I hear on that.

Despite the positive song playing in iTunes at the moment, I am getting more and more anxious about going to visit my family. I am very excited to see everyone (or most everyone) and super excited to see my new neice and my nephew whom I haven't seen in like 8 years. But I am also very discouraged by the visit. I feel as though I am an inside joke with my brother & his fiance, my sister & her husband, and the ex boyfriend. Its like i can't say anything about the situation without it getting rumored around about how stupid I am to feel like I do. Yet, I know for a damned fact they wouldn't be approving if the situation were reversed. I think I've said it before here, that I truly believe they accept all the hateful things he said about me and my kids. Maybe I'm too loyal to those that I care about. If anyone ever said those things about my close friends or family, you would be hard pressed not to find me kicking their ass in a dark alley somewhere. Yet, my family accepts him more for what he did to me than me for leaving someone who treated me and my kids like shit and thinks so little of us. No wonder women in abusive relationships stay. Cause they are the ones that are ostracized when its over, not the guy. He's heralded a saint and best friend by her family. Ok, so thats just my situation, but I totally understand why, in general women don't leave, especially when it is mental or emotional abuse. Its different, people claim you are too sensitive, they say you should just get over it. My family was fairly, but very distantly supportive when I had a physically abusive boyfriend and got out of that. But the mental and emotional abuse at the end of the relationship with aforementioned ex, thats completely acceptable to them. Its as if they said to him "Please, treat my sister like shit, you'll be our friend for life." So all of this has me anxious and distanced and not really wanting to go. I feel that I should just live my life as I do and keep them distanced. They don't really care anyway. So with this weight on my shoulder, knowing that this weekend, my family will be enjoying their celebration with my ex because i'm a huge bitch and don't want him around when I'm there visiting and hence he won't be invited to my family's thanksgiving. That he is "uncle mike" to my neice bothers me to absolutely no end. If the kids weren't looking forward to it, I would seriously consider cancelling my tickets. I am absolutely knotted up in my gut about this. And they just get defensive and insulted if I mention it. I think, after this visit, I will remain in my cocoon in colorado and leave my family. They truly don't appreciate what I have done for them, they don't appreciate me as a person, and they certainly don't appreciate me as a sister. Yeah, that might be hurt feelings talking, but what is absolutely, positively fact, is that they dont' fucking get why it bothers me or even care to get why it bothers me. I have been accepting and supportive of every decision they have ever made in their lives, even when I didn't necessarily agree. Yet, for me, it is too late to get that in return from them. I guess I have made myself vulnerable by thinking that family, even fucked up ones like mine, come first. I must be the only one in my family who thinks that, cause my sister, brother and my mom & dad certainly don't show that to me. They have helped me out in a bind, they have helped my kids out in a bind. But that has been in the last 2 years, only. Never before have they lent me a hand or offered more than they had to me because i needed it. Maybe because I don't usually need it. But this one thing, I asked in the beginning of my sister, and she pretty much told me to fuck off. Now, 5 years later, I have still fucked off and she doesn't get why It makes me cry. Just suck it up, E, just suck it. That's what I will be doing, with a knot in my stomach. Guess that will curb some holiday eating, huh?

Speaking of ex's. the ex-husband called this week . He is pissed about the princess having almost 2000 text messages when her allotment is 250. Extra 160 on the bill . I had to chuckle to myself on that one. I had warned her, but she didn't listen. For november, she's already at almost 500. He hasn't made any arrangements for Xmas or tickets or anything, as I suspect he wouldn't have done. But I mentioned that flights for the week after were expensive, if available even. In his rant to the princess, he said that with her text bill, he may not be able to afford plane tickets. Sucks for them, because they don't see he is already backing out of his committment, and they most likely won't be seeing their dad over the holiday. I specifically asked if he had bought plane tickets yet. Whether he got the hint that I wasn't going to or not isn't my problem. I didn't volunteer to help financially when he said he was in a burden or broke. screw that. He and his woman can suck it up.

Talked to my best friend and I will be getting to see her at some point during my vacation. I am excited about that. We don't talk nearly enough, but its one of those friendships where you just pick up where you left off, no matter how long its been since you last talked or saw each other. I love her to death and miss her a ton.

I'm not really as bitter as it may appear, really. Life is quite good, overall. Things have been stressful with the accident and I am saddened about having gained weight and my current fat status. But i'm workin on it and thats about all I can do. I don't have the metabolism I had in my 20's, and know that i gotta work my ass off for the svelte figure I am used to. This weekend I am getting my hair cut and colored to cover the gray. I am excited about that. I also need to go shopping and find some black shirts for me and the kids for the family portrait. I am not so excited about that. The portrait that is. Shopping, yeah, I can do that.

I am nervous about the Honey going on his business trip this week. not because i'm a freak about travel and all that. But we have ahistory that includes where he is going and a person there. Trust me, its not a good history. While I won't go into detail, it makes me nervous. We'll compound that onto my already knotted stomach.

{listening to Better Version of Me by Fiona Apple}

even bee's get to rest

Ho-ly crap has work been busy. Not just a little bit. Run ragged busy. Everything has been an emergency right now, people's computers breaking (don't get me started on my calls to HP support in the last 3 weeks), things not working quite right, bandwidth hogs making internet surfing at work near impossible, along with necessary things like actually working near impossible. I HATE WEATHERBUG! We allow people to have iTunes, yet they still stream music over AIM. People need to make themselves technologically aware of what they do, but they don't or won't, or whatever, and they will bog down those of us who actually NEED the internet bandwidth for job functions.

The dr. was fine. he checked me out, said wait for a call to schedule and MRI. said that it will rule out disk issues and down to muscle issues but that we would have to find some sort of therapy that works because 4 months later i have exhausted the standard techniques and its still not working. Its not like I make this shit up, it is visible in my lack of head mobility that things are wrong. The PTs can feel it, the dr. can feel it. We'll see. He was nice and personable, etc. Will have to have the PT send a report to him though, so he can see that history of treatment. Still, I get to wait for an MRI of my head and neck.. WOOHOO!!. there's some enthusiasm, even if feigned. I don't *think* I am claustrophobic, but I do believe I will be put to the test with 30 mins with my head in an MRI machine.

Vacation coming up, new guy starts next week, getting a hair cut and color to cover the gray. Its tough being a redhead when you have gray seeping in, its not like gray blends in with the red hair. Oh well, keep covering it up is what I will have to do. Have to at some point find black shirts for me and kids to wear during the family portrait taken over the holiday. I am more than thrilled

Ex called last night to rub in Princesses face that he bought girlfriend the pair of True Religion jeans that she wanted. Unfortunately, I was out before they finished the conversation so I didn't get to ask her about it. I also voted last night. Pleased with the over all result as I am what most would consider a liberal, however my state has me disappointed, but not surprised. Focus on the Family and New Life are extreme cult presences in this state and their followers are devout, if not crazy. You can also apparently hire male prostitutes and buy illegal drugs and live in one of these evangelical fantasy lands where all is happy and god loves you if you aren't homosexual. I despise hypocrites. These organizations have gone to far in their fantaticism to even recognize the beliefs behind the religion. The religion is its own monster.

poking and prodding

Today is the 1st appointment with the new pain doctor. I am more than a little hesitant and can't quite put my finger on why. Other than, of course, my neck is screwed up.

PT yesterday was good. Not as good as last thursday, but good nonetheless. The regular PT is back for tomorrow's session so i'm not looking forward to feeling as good, but I do love the one that I get when mine is gone. Oh well. I could change, I just would feel bad, wouldn't want to hurt feelings or anything. I feel like i get more from the sub than the regular one. Its rude, but thats why I will stay with the one I was assigned.

Neck is catching today. I am getting more sore as the day wears on. I guess its good that I will be seeing the doctor in not the best of conditions, but not the worst either. Hopefully it won't be anything too major. Dr's don't usually worry me, but this one is. *sigh* oh well. 4pm will come soon enough.

Busy at work, but not busy enough to have the day flying past. Not quite sure how the Princess is getting home from school yet, but I'm sure she will figure it out or wait until I get done with the dr. She can walk the 1/2 mile if she wanted, but she doesn't want. heh.. lazy bum for a girl who can run a 5 minute mile.

starting over

Its monday. Weekends never seem quite long enough. This weekend was spend, as most of the past have been spent: in pain. I didn't play my game, I shuffled the kids to and fro, cleaned a little bit around the house, slept alot and mostly hung out and watched movies and caught up on Tivo shows.

On saturday, the honey and I had an errand to run, so we did, grabbed a starbucks and went to barnes and noble. A few moments of quiet time just the two of us was wonderful. We chatted, looked at books, grabbed a nifty gift for a friend of ours whose birthday it was. Most excellent morning. I felt alright in the morning. Not great, but good enough to get out of the house. We took the gift over to our friends house, visited for a while. They have the cutest little baby, even though he was a grumpy pants and didn't wanna let me hold him. We had about an hour to kill before picking up the princess so we went and ate sushi. Delish!!. superb new little sushi place. The service was SLLOOOOOWW.. man, took an hour and a half for our sushi lunch, but it was fantastic and tasty. Kinda set the pace since we weren't in a hurry for anything. Picked up the princess from her friends house, stopped at Jamba Juice and got her fix, looked at lab puppies they were selling in the parking lot. The honey wouldn't get out of the car. He said if he let one of them crawl on him then he would have to buy one and we soo don't need another puppy. Man they were certainly cute, and the princess all but cried for it. But we held strong. Man, the honey and I are both suckers for animals. I would have a house full (not that I don't already).

I digress, once we left the cute little black lab puppies, we picked up the boy from his school where he had been flirting with his latest little girl friend. Its about to the point of annoying, but I suppose boys will be boys. Got home, and just felt wiped, started making dinner, was an evening warm enough for a cookout, so we had some garlic guiness steaks, with some grilled potatoes with veggies. Tasty goodness. Then it was movie watchin and sleepy time. I probably went to bed around 7 because i just couldn't stand it anymore. My neck ached and hurt, my head was starting to hurt. Just needed to lie down.

Sunday was mostly just lounging. Picked up the princess from her friends house, made a run to wally world only because the honey can't cope by himself with that many people. And man was it crowded. Got in and out and back onto the couch for a couple movies. Dinner was chicken and steak fajitas with refried beans & cheese. Damn tasty, though under appreciated in my house I think. Spent like an hour doing dishes, which just kills my neck. It is absolutely not good posture to scrub dishes.

Today is PT, with the sub PT, so I think I will feel better. Tomorrow is appointment with new doctors. Friday I got all my receipts and forms and such mailed back to the attorney. Hopefully they will get them. Thank goodness for copies. I keep a copy of damn everything for this stupid accident.

no rest for the weary

So yesterday I was totally busy at work interviewing people and trying to keep up with work, that I didn't even get a chance to jot something down in here.

I stayed up way too late on tuesday night, didn't sleep well because of my neck, and yesterday morning, stiff, sore and generally icky and tired, I snapped at the Honey for stupid stuff. I apologized later, but you know its gonna be a rough day when that happens before 8am. I have a giant knot on my arm from the flu shot. The Boy is home from school sick today. Honey hasnt been feeling well since he got his flu shot.

My neck has been nothing less than painful every day, but I know that I have to keep plugging along. I just can't seem to get any relief from it and it causing my head to pound. I seriously dislike being reliant on pain meds, yet because of how this is all being handled, I don't get to choose my treatment options, so, unfortunately, I don't have the ability for homeopathic treatments, or even acupuncture.

The interviews went well, and I think the guy they chose is an excellent choice. I wish they would have picked my friend, but unfortunately she didn't interview as well as the other guy. Such is life. Its too bad, I would have liked working with her again, but I also think that the guy they did pick will be pretty good and hopefully hit the ground running once he starts. It's going to be busy, but it will also allow the Honey and I to take vacation at the same time. WOOT for that.

Still haven't heard from the Ex about what his plans are for the kids for Xmas, but he'll figure it out and i'm not paying for it. He won't be happy with me, but oh well. He needs to figure it out. A couple weeks ago, he called to say he got to san diego, and there was a package in the mail for the Boys birthday and an envelope with money in it for me. Then last week he called and asked for the address, then this week, the kids got postcards. So much for that package, huh? He must really believe i am stupid, but really I just don't care enough about it to get into an argument. I am fine, the kids are doing fabulous, he can either give a shit or not, its not impacting mine or their daily life.

Beyond that..life is still just chugging along.. Pain every day, looking forward to seeing my family at Thanksgiving, but dreading it at the same time. I love my sisters and brother, I am not fond or especially happy about their relationship with my ex-boyfriend and feel like that is just straining everything. More with me than with them, because they don't give a second thought to my feelings. Plus, at this point, they are far more embedded in his life than in mine and its probably entirely pointless to ask for any kind of consideration to my feelings about the situation. However, if they want him at thanksgiving, I will make other plans. I have already been invited over to my friends house while i am in town and what not. I could probably stay with them if I wanted, and that would be alright too.

*sigh* stressing about upcoming events. terrible. not what i need. meditation after therapy tonight definately will be where i'm headed. I am tired and hurty too. maybe it will relax my mind enough to get some sleep tonight, though I am scheduled for some in game activity. Hrm.

{listening to Stupid Girl by Garbage} More apropros ITunes Shuffle