waiting to exhale

{listening to Better off Alive by Train}

I hate PT yesterday. The regular PT is back and i dont' feel as good as when i was seeing the sub. I exercised hard yesterday, though, and that was good for me. I feel it. I can feel when I push my knee or lower back, but i think i still need the strength to build up if i ever want to do things like hike or ride a bike again. I am still waiting on the MRI appointment. Guess I will hear when I hear on that.

Despite the positive song playing in iTunes at the moment, I am getting more and more anxious about going to visit my family. I am very excited to see everyone (or most everyone) and super excited to see my new neice and my nephew whom I haven't seen in like 8 years. But I am also very discouraged by the visit. I feel as though I am an inside joke with my brother & his fiance, my sister & her husband, and the ex boyfriend. Its like i can't say anything about the situation without it getting rumored around about how stupid I am to feel like I do. Yet, I know for a damned fact they wouldn't be approving if the situation were reversed. I think I've said it before here, that I truly believe they accept all the hateful things he said about me and my kids. Maybe I'm too loyal to those that I care about. If anyone ever said those things about my close friends or family, you would be hard pressed not to find me kicking their ass in a dark alley somewhere. Yet, my family accepts him more for what he did to me than me for leaving someone who treated me and my kids like shit and thinks so little of us. No wonder women in abusive relationships stay. Cause they are the ones that are ostracized when its over, not the guy. He's heralded a saint and best friend by her family. Ok, so thats just my situation, but I totally understand why, in general women don't leave, especially when it is mental or emotional abuse. Its different, people claim you are too sensitive, they say you should just get over it. My family was fairly, but very distantly supportive when I had a physically abusive boyfriend and got out of that. But the mental and emotional abuse at the end of the relationship with aforementioned ex, thats completely acceptable to them. Its as if they said to him "Please, treat my sister like shit, you'll be our friend for life." So all of this has me anxious and distanced and not really wanting to go. I feel that I should just live my life as I do and keep them distanced. They don't really care anyway. So with this weight on my shoulder, knowing that this weekend, my family will be enjoying their celebration with my ex because i'm a huge bitch and don't want him around when I'm there visiting and hence he won't be invited to my family's thanksgiving. That he is "uncle mike" to my neice bothers me to absolutely no end. If the kids weren't looking forward to it, I would seriously consider cancelling my tickets. I am absolutely knotted up in my gut about this. And they just get defensive and insulted if I mention it. I think, after this visit, I will remain in my cocoon in colorado and leave my family. They truly don't appreciate what I have done for them, they don't appreciate me as a person, and they certainly don't appreciate me as a sister. Yeah, that might be hurt feelings talking, but what is absolutely, positively fact, is that they dont' fucking get why it bothers me or even care to get why it bothers me. I have been accepting and supportive of every decision they have ever made in their lives, even when I didn't necessarily agree. Yet, for me, it is too late to get that in return from them. I guess I have made myself vulnerable by thinking that family, even fucked up ones like mine, come first. I must be the only one in my family who thinks that, cause my sister, brother and my mom & dad certainly don't show that to me. They have helped me out in a bind, they have helped my kids out in a bind. But that has been in the last 2 years, only. Never before have they lent me a hand or offered more than they had to me because i needed it. Maybe because I don't usually need it. But this one thing, I asked in the beginning of my sister, and she pretty much told me to fuck off. Now, 5 years later, I have still fucked off and she doesn't get why It makes me cry. Just suck it up, E, just suck it. That's what I will be doing, with a knot in my stomach. Guess that will curb some holiday eating, huh?

Speaking of ex's. the ex-husband called this week . He is pissed about the princess having almost 2000 text messages when her allotment is 250. Extra 160 on the bill . I had to chuckle to myself on that one. I had warned her, but she didn't listen. For november, she's already at almost 500. He hasn't made any arrangements for Xmas or tickets or anything, as I suspect he wouldn't have done. But I mentioned that flights for the week after were expensive, if available even. In his rant to the princess, he said that with her text bill, he may not be able to afford plane tickets. Sucks for them, because they don't see he is already backing out of his committment, and they most likely won't be seeing their dad over the holiday. I specifically asked if he had bought plane tickets yet. Whether he got the hint that I wasn't going to or not isn't my problem. I didn't volunteer to help financially when he said he was in a burden or broke. screw that. He and his woman can suck it up.

Talked to my best friend and I will be getting to see her at some point during my vacation. I am excited about that. We don't talk nearly enough, but its one of those friendships where you just pick up where you left off, no matter how long its been since you last talked or saw each other. I love her to death and miss her a ton.

I'm not really as bitter as it may appear, really. Life is quite good, overall. Things have been stressful with the accident and I am saddened about having gained weight and my current fat status. But i'm workin on it and thats about all I can do. I don't have the metabolism I had in my 20's, and know that i gotta work my ass off for the svelte figure I am used to. This weekend I am getting my hair cut and colored to cover the gray. I am excited about that. I also need to go shopping and find some black shirts for me and the kids for the family portrait. I am not so excited about that. The portrait that is. Shopping, yeah, I can do that.

I am nervous about the Honey going on his business trip this week. not because i'm a freak about travel and all that. But we have ahistory that includes where he is going and a person there. Trust me, its not a good history. While I won't go into detail, it makes me nervous. We'll compound that onto my already knotted stomach.

{listening to Better Version of Me by Fiona Apple}