OMG teehee teehee

That is the sound of girls giggling. You know, the high school cheerleader type. Yeah. I got one in my house now. The princess made the Varsity Competition Cheerleading team. Not bad for a freshman, gonna be sophmore. I am so very proud of her, now she needs to learn to shake her ass, cause the girl can't dance. I am now dreading the financial committment to this thing. This isn't like a regular cheerleader. You know the kind that cheers at football games and shit. Noooo.. thats not what this is. This is the shit that they show on ESPN. Only they don't show the high school version, they show the college version. So, its like $60/mo (not nearly as bad as we paid for gymnastics alone) and $3000 plus travel expenses. Yeah. I will be a hurting financially mutha. Still, I'm proud of her.

The boy is going to be running track once spring break is over. I hope he sticks with it. The kiddos are off to sunny San Diego for 2 weeks. They are already having fun, though the princess is missing her first meeting for cheer and I get the privledge of going for 2 hrs. HOORAY for being a mommy! *eeek*

Work has alot of things going on in the next two weeks so I am glad that they are off school and I really don't have to worry about it. I have had a stiff/sore neck and it doesn't seem to be getting much better. Though, I must say, its still better than it was and I am doing my PT exercises. Still hard to evaluate how much the rhizotomy is working/worked. I hope I don't have to do it again. I really really really hope I don't have to do it again.

So to sum up the weekend: It was quiet with the kids gone. Kept hearing noises thinking it was them. The princess got chosen for Cheer. I got the pleasure of driving in a blizzard; this was a fucking blast. NOT! Went shopping, got a new bra, after having the trauma of VS not carrying the bra I've worn for the past 10-15 yrs. The new one is awesome, but I have to take it back due to some shiteous stitching. I am sad. I also took some of the Princesses advice and got some tighter shirts. I tried on pants, but they really didn't fit. I couldn't hit the Levi's outlet for ones like I found the other day because of the snow storm. Lets just say that if you have any kind of ass, ultra low rise jeans don't cut it. Or rather, they cut it.. in half. So I passed on the jeans. I played my game and advanced my 2nd character to the maximum level. Now I need to make some money and get my main one back into the swing of things. Maybe over the next couple weeks while the kiddos are gone, if I feel like it.

So, shopping, no kids and a bit of pain. It wasn't such a bad weekend.

{listening to Peace Train by 10,000 Maniacs}

So on a daily note..

Now that my rant is over, my daily or however often I post update of whats going on is coming.

I am obviously, not emotionally well today.

I had therapy yesterday, which was good, but hurt. I am sore today, but its not hurty, its just muscle sore. Man, do I hope that the surgery worked and keeps up.

The Princess still can't dance, but practiced with the Varsity Cheerleaders last night. She has tonight and tomorrow for the remainder of auditions. If she makes it, I will be happy for her. She will have to work her ass off and grades will have to come first. I will also have to pay $3000 to do this, it will cut into her summer vacation, and $60/mo for gymnastics with her team. However, she's good at being a gymnast. She will be a good competitor if she sticks with it. She's just gotta learn how to dance.

The Boy is still a teenage boy. A kid at their Jr. High committed suicide last week so that has been weighing on him. The kid that died was a friend of the Boy, but not a close friend. They hung out at school only. Fortunately, the Boy took advantage to talk to the counsellors about what he was feeling and how it impacts him. I think that our early sessions with a counsellor for anger management and the open and frank way we deal with depression in our house helps him to be less repressive and more open in talking to people. I am grateful for this. There is a school memorial for the kid today. I am not sure how I feel about this. I am not sure as a parent how I would feel if it were my kid that died. But, the Boy got up, dressed himself respectively today to attend.

Honey comes home tonight. I am grateful. I haven't been sleeping well because of pain and him not being there. The puppies miss him too. The Roommate has been awesome in helping when the Honey has been gone, even though it inconveniences him. I sometimes think that maybe he should think about getting his own place, but I would really miss him if he did that and he helps SO much with the kids. Truly a great roommate, in the grand scheme of things. And a great friend too, which sometimes makes me happy that he's there.

Tonight I have to work until 5, go home, start making the tacquitos for the princesses Fiesta tomorrow, get the honey from the airport around 6:30, get the Princess from tryouts at 7:30, get more tacquitos made. Get lots of them made. I am already tired from not sleeping well, but damn, I got shit to do.

Work is busy, there is stuff i should be doing, but am not. There is stuff I am doing that doesn't need to be done right now. They are painting the new area today, it smells, I might be high. We should be moving in either later this week or next. It is not ideal. It is less than good. It is what we've got.

See what reading gets you?

So the Honey has been away on business this week. Thankfully, his trip is ending a day early and he gets to come home tonight. I truly miss him when he's gone. Even though sometimes, we hardly have anything to say to one another at home (its all been said at work), I still miss him not sleeping in bed with me. It also gets my mind reeling about his past indiscretion and emotional adultery. While we are not married, in the eyes of god or the state or whatever, we've been together 5 years and live together. We have have a house together, cars together, finances together. I absolutely love being with him and he is truly the absolute best partner I have ever had. He is appreciative, sincere, funny, smart, helpful. He is a totally great guy. I love him. I however, have never had a relationship where my partner hasn't cheated. I have never once cheated on a partner, but in some karmic retribution way, I must deserve this. I realize my own faults in a relationship, work hard to acknowledge them and resolve them as they come up. I also know that I have never stayed with a partner once I have found out about the cheating. I have called it quits, moved on, moved forward and left the relationship behind me. Never have I actually wanted to work things out. Seems as though the cheating was the out I needed or wanted and just took advantage of the opportunity that was knocking.

That all being said, I have some insecurity and trust issues in a relationship. I can generally keep them in check and recognize what is mine to own and what is someone elses shit that I don't really have to deal with. About a year ago, I learned that Honey had been having what I am terming an "emotional affair" with his ex-girlfriend. Background on ex-girlfriend is that he dated her for almost 12 years. In that 12 years, he was ALWAYS the other man. She had boyfriends with him on the side, she has a husband, with him on the side. Other boyfriends while with husband with him on the side. I know her, I've seen her in action with him. He and I were friends for several years before we actually got together and we were friends through his breaking it off with her. I know what she did to him emotionally during their relationship and during their breakup. She is manipulative to the point of sickness, a coke abuser, a liar, and just generally not a very nice person. Now, this is not just my opinion of her. Every single one of the Honey's friends and family had NOTHING nice to say about this woman.

Ok.. so back to the tale of my woe. About a year ago, I found out that Honey had been talking to her, at length, every single day. She had been emailing him suggestive and often sexual photos of herself. She told him she loved him and wanted him to get back together, etc., etc. I also found out that this had been going on for the duration of our relationship. Now, because I know her, and I know how incredibly manipulative she is, I had told him, in the very beginning, that I didn't like him talking to her. I am not normally a jealous or overbearing, ultimatium giving kind of partner, but with her, I felt I needed to express my inability to deal with her in our relationship. Fast forward to Xmas 2005. We are on the road, heading to his parents house for the holiday. We are talking in the car, and as the result of the conversation, I asked if he had talked to her. Honey said No, not in years. Ok.. fast forward to mid-January. Honey left his computer on, is out and about. Asks me to look at his computer for something. I do. Guess what I see? Gushy mushy all over his IM with HER. I read through it, I snooped and found more. Going back to just shortly after our relationship started. YEARS!. I was Horrified. I was absolutely incensed. I was fucking pissed. I let it sit for a bit, I called my sister, she and I talked it out. How in the fuck could he bold faced lie like that? just a month ago? What the hell? So when he finally got home, I let him have it. I was honestly ready to leave. I was ready to pack my shit, grab the kids, find a fucking hotel until we could get an apartment and just leave. But, I couldn't. I wasn't ready, I'm still not ready to give up on Honey. We talk...and talk.. and I rant and rave and he talks and rants and raves. Things calm down for the night. Rinse and repeat for the next couple weeks as I try to digest all this and figure out what the fuck I need and want to do.

We get to a place. An ok place for the time being. I absolutely forbid him his talking to her, emailing her, chatting with her, etc. He says he complies. A couple weeks later, I'm talking to a mutual friend of mine, Honey and Her, who doesn't know what has transpired. He proceeds to tell me that She has been ranting and raving about what a bitch I am and how I am unreasonable and abusive and friend needs to get Honey out of that relationship. I also learn how she's been emailing and IM'ing and calling and he's not responding (whew, lucky honey on that one). However, all of this makes me question, what did Honey tell her? So, I am now pissed off. Did he just stop talking to her? Did he just put the blame on me that i won't "let" him? So, we start in on Round 2 of the talking and ranting and raving and crying. I make him call her on the phone with me there and explain this shit to her. How I can't deal with the I love yous, I want you with me (she's still married with a boyfriend living with her and her husband), the daily conversations about our life, the frustrations about work, money, etc that he doesn't tell me. I could give a flying rats ass if she thinks its me. I really am not up for caring what a coke whore lying manipulator thinks of me. She says I'm an immature stupid bitch and need to get over myself. They hang up. That is feb 2006.

Since then, we, both Honey and I, have worked on our relationship. Until this blew up, we had a good relationship. But, we have both put in exhaustive measures, counseling, etc to make a go of this. Yet, there are times, when the whole thing creeps back in. The years of lying to my face about talking to her. The distrust is still there. I realize that I own this distrust. Honey is absolutely understanding that I am not capable of just "dropping it". He does all the reassuring that he can when I get in a tissy about it, when it consumes me and I worry about it. I worry about what in our relationship is so wrong that he has to go back to her. How horrible do I have to be that he chooses everything I know about their previous relationship (not good things..) over what we have?

The JUICE OF THE POST..
Well.. he's been travelling alot. Our mutual friend said he (friend, not honey) was talking to her. I start getting in my head that maybe he's telling the truth that Honey is not talking to her, but perhaps he's talking through friend to her. This sets off all my emotions about did I do the right thing? If he would just tell me he was talking to her, there would be a clear path for my resolution. As it is, I mostly, deep down, believe it when he says he isn't. I think (hope?) that he realizes that despite some of our issues (which are few and this is the absolute most major), we have a good thing going. Then I start reading blogs and come across one about a cheating husband and all the emotions that go with that. It just stirs up so much more and raises everything I am trying to hard to push down, up to the surface. So I dump on him. While he's in the airport, waiting for his plane to bring him home, to all my insecure bullshit. I am very careful in expressing that I recognize this is MY bullshit. MY baggage. MY whateveryouwanttocallit. I know its mine. I know that this was triggered by nothing that he said or did or didn't do or say. But I need him to help me move forward..today. Get me through it. But he's not here. So I get to rant on my blog and simmer in my self-created shit stew.

more poking and prodding

What a crazy last week (almost) it has been. Work, still crazy busy with shit to do. Honey is traveling on business so this week is even more convoluted than usual because of having to change my schedule around so that I can get the princess to school.

So, to catch up. I had my rhizotomy last Wednesday. This went well. I was out of it for Wed and Thurs and still too sore on Fri to go to work. Saturday started feeling a bit better, but am still sore today. I have therapy today, so we'll see how that goes. As far as the surgery went, I have minor to moderate actual sensation in the left side of my neck. I can feel pressure and I can feel that the muscles themselves are tight and sore, but beyond that, I can't feel much. I have what I call "phantom itches" where my neck itches, but i can't actually feel it when I scratch. Its weird to say the least. We will see how the therapy goes today. Its not quite been a week, but it definately feels better.

While I was out the latter half of last week, work went to hell in a handbasket and I am in fear that a personality conflict is going to cause me to lose the best helpdesk person I have. Our furniture fell through for the new expansion area, so now we are getting shiteous furniture with no walls. Like I thought a cube farm for the helpdesk was going to be crap, now its going to be just fucking tables and shit, but not really tables. I guess counters is a more apt description. I guess thats what I get for working at a non-profit.

On Friday, the Princess became grounded. She got a whole 4 F's on her report card. I about shit and lost my lid with her on Friday. She has no internet, no phone, no friends until they are C's. She did not enjoy the weekend, or the constant lectures about grades.

My nephew got in a horrible car accident and totaled his truck on Friday night. I found out Saturday when my sister called me. He was drinking and driving, wrapped his truck around a tree and rolled it a couple times. He and his girlfriend are ok, surprisingly still alive, and just banged and bruised. He is 17. He was arrested and has no truck and no license now, as well as an aggravated DUI. He is such a good kid, but reminds me of his dad.

My other sister sent me the family photos and photos of my littlest niece. I got those on Thursday. They (the niece pictures) are soo cute. Man, she looks like she's going to be a fireball. Just the little look in her eye says mischief. The family pictures are about as I figured and I don't care for them because I am fat (at least according to myself). But I went and bought some frames on Sunday anyway. I also actually bought a pair of flip flops. Now they are nice leather flip flops, that I actually wore to work yesterday, but they are still flip flops, which I don't buy and don't wear. So, that was a change.

Nothing eventful for St. Paddy's day. This made me sad, but I just wasn't up to it. Had to make some food for a Cultural Event happening of some sort for the Princess to get 50 points extra credit in 2 of her flunking classes. This was a must. I also have to make more food on Wednesday. Not sure how all thats going to work out since I have to work till 5 and take her to cheer tryouts.

yes, I gave in on grounding for cheer tryouts. I only did it because I don't think that its fair for her to miss the tryouts for next season. That takes away motivation for the whole next year. Maybe I am too easy, but she's got tryouts the 4 days this week. She was embarrassed that I went and stayed and watched. I think this was good enough. It is my intent to do this for the rest of the sessions, but I don't know because I have shit to do this week, including therapy, working late and making her more food for the fucking fiesta in her spanish class. So we'll see.

Hopefully honey comes home tomorrow instead of thursday. There is just too much to do this week. UGH.

Time Flies when you are having fun...

Or when you are just incredibly busy. Work, not fun is what has prevented me from posting lately. Work is on the order of psychotic. 10 laptops to build in a week, specialized installations. Its a blast. Tons of other weirdo problems that have to be dealt with including a mass influx of hardware issues. People being pissy, shit being broke (not my responsibility stuff).

I have generally felt like major doo doo. My neck has been stiff, clear down into my shoulder. I did therapy tuesday and thursday of last week and just couldn't deal with the exercises. I couldn't hold my posture for more than about 5 mins at a time without excruciating pain and stiffness. I kept having to slouch(sp?) just to get a minute of reprieve. My shoulder was dang near immobile because of the stiffness. Therapy did some deep tissue work and this helped some, but man, it was horrible. This crap continued through the weekend and didn't really do much. Stayed with my trusty flexeril most of the time, but that doesn't help when the stiffness and tightness is extreme.

The Honey, the Boy, the Roommate and some friends all went to see 300 in the IMAX. They had a great time. Said the action scenes in the IMAX were amazing. The Princess and I went to see Music and Lyrics. This was a cute chick flick. I will probably buy it on DVD. It wasn't as horrible as the reviews have made it seem, but definately a chick flick.

I played my game some, though I didn't really get much accomplished with my main character. I mostly leveled up some lower level ones. It was fun, but I wish that I could have gotten more done with my main. Unfortunately she is at the point of relying on others to assist. Oh well.

Tomorrow is my rhizotomy. I am somewhat looking forward to it because I am hoping that it will provide more permanent relief of the pain and stiffness. I am also dreading it. I just know that it will be painful for recovering over the next few days. Scheduling work around those days has been not so great because the Honey is at a conference and can't take me or pick me up. I have to have the roommate come pick me up and then have honey and roommate go get my car that night. Oh well, I think that after tomorrow I won't care about much other than the recovery pain. I also have therapy today, which hopefully will do me some good. I cannot take any meds until after my procedure. That is no good. Oh well, i've been living that worse for the last 8 months or so, I can cope with a few more days (hopefully).

Besides all that, the kids have had standardized testing and the Boy is hellaciously sick with some sinus infection. The princess has decided to quit track. They go visit their dad in 2 weeks, for 2 weeks. I am going to miss them terribly. The good news is that he has been pleasant the last few times i've talked to him, but the bitch girlfriend hasn't been around either.

one week older...

whats going through my head with that title is "another day older and deeper in debt". Thats not exactly how i am feeling, but it was in my head.

Actually, it has been a fairly calm week since I last posted. Work has been busy. I have been going to PT and rushing the kids to and fro. My neck is severely stiff and i can't hardly move my arm at all because it has tightened down into my shoulder blade. At PT yesterday they loosened it up and I muscle relaxed my way to slumberland last night, but it still is really painful and sore. Yet, I am at work. I really want to stick it out today.

The kids are having CSAP testing, which is the colorado version of standardized testing. The princess's schedule is all messed up because of it and I am trying to finagle actually getting her to school for her 10:15 start time. Its just crazy that they don't think about how parents are to get the kids to these classes, just that they better. What a crock of shit, but what can you do. Not like schools think about the impact they have on the families when they make stupid ass decisions like this.

Next week is the rhizotomy. I am nervous for that. The honey has training all week and probably won't be able to take me. The following week he leaves for business for 4 days. That is also going to suck because my whole schedule gets fubar'd. I hate having to switch shifts to take the kiddos to school and what not.

I finally got my TENS machine from physical therapy and boy does that help alot. Its very nice to sit and relax for 15 mins while I have that on. I am bummed that I have been too hurty to do my exercises for the past 2 days, but we'll see. Tomorrow is another day of PT, hopefully I'll not be so stiff and in pain. The biggest thing is that my muscles are just spasming from my shoulder up to my neck. 2 Days of this and its old and annoying and painful. I actually directed the boy through making dinner last night because I couldn't use my left arm without some crazy pain and spasm.

The roommate is all up in arms about the game and what they did to his most powerful character. We ran a quick low level instance last night and he was NOT happy about it. Honestly, I didn't see much difference, however, I do think there would be more noticable difference in a higher end instance. Which is unfortunate, but oh well. I guess I just can't get myself worked up over dmg loss or whatever. It is just a game. I'll play it as long as I have fun. If they need to reduce some characters dmg or threat output to make things even among the classes or whatever, then great, do it. He just tends to obsess about the game and shit. Yes, a true addict. I am not. I can go for days without playing, even weeks and it doesn't bother me to just come back and pick up where I left off. Anyway, I have been having a bit of fun. I have been trying to get my end game dungeon keys and shit like that. Its all very boring and difficult stuff because you have to rely on others to help with this stuff. Getting those others to help when I'm available has been a challenge, so I just wait.

The construction started on the server room to build cubes and such. This is where my new cube will be. I am giving up my office to the Network and System Administrators. This i don't really care about. I am also getting a huge manager's cube. I guess this is fine too. I am more worried about having a lab area to work on machines. Which I get. Sometimes its nice to be the only female voice. They sometimes listen to me more. We had a meeting yesterday. The boss wanted all of us to "brainstorm and research" on worldwide outage notification and how we can manage it for 3K users. So I took 10 mins to google it and see whats out there. We had about an hour to prep for the meeting. I researched some things, just glancing over them to see would they, at the most basic level, meet the vague needs that were provided. We get into the meeting and i am the only one who even looked into it. Fortunately, I had covered the bases that were floating around the boss' head in regard to what he had in mind. The meeting was short because of this. I'm glad of that, but everyone was like "way to go E!, you're a rock star" I am a rock star because I looked into it? HA! excellent. I love that. Remember the rock stardom at review time in 2 months. I think we are still on hold for the 3rd position on the Helpdesk. I still think they are going to want me to manage said Helpdesk. Not that I don't already, cause I mostly do, but I don't have the accountability for it, well not really. Shit falls apart and I was responsible for it, I still have to account, but right now there is a buffer between me and the next boss up and he generally takes the hit for me if he has to, which he doesn't often, but he has. Mostly in dealing with irate people in the wrong. Oh well, not like I haven't managed things before. I guess getting in at the beginning of a world wide helpdesk from the bottom end is good, right? I just worry about losing my technical skills. Will have to keep up with that should management happen. Otherwise, I'm not too worried about it.

{listening to Home Again by Oingo Boingo}

Ice Skating anyone?

Yeah.. so we got hit with snow yesterday and it proceeded to turn all the roads into ice skating rinks. I-25 had a 40-50 car pileup that closed the highway for HOURS. Multitude of accidents aroudn town, etc. This morning we had a delay and I just didn't want to get out of bed and come to work. I drove on the rink and it was horrid. Got to sliding pretty good in a few spots, thankfully, not over the bridge. Now I'm at work, 2 hrs late, but here (I still had about an hour and a half before work actually opened). We are done getting snow until tomorrow night and today is starting off to being a sunshine-y day! Hooray. Maybe it will be all melted off by the time I leave work. I do love me some short work days though.

I have PT today. I am glad to go, but am super sore today. I feel like I need to have my back adjusted. Maybe I can get them to do it for me. Hrm.. I also get my tens machine which should help my muscles in my neck.

I am currently disappointed in my attorney. I faxed them one of my medical bills and got a call back saying "you're gonna have to pay that". I about shit. That is part of the reason I hired an attorney so that I don't have to pay out of pocket medical expenses that will bankrupt me while I am continuing treatment. As I explained to the Assistant to the Legal Assistant "I have amassed a small fortune in co-pays and know that I need to pay them, but the reason I hired you was so that I didn't have huge out of pocket medical expenses and don't get sent to collections for not paying the bills" The assistant then said that she would have the Legal Assistant call me. Hasn't happened. They called me on Monday, it's Thursday, no word from the Legal Assistant. Hrmm. Maybe my point got through so they will do, oh I don't know, what I'm paying them to do? Its a thought.

One of my oldest and bestest friends called and he's moving to Denver and getting his social networking business up and running in Denver/COS. He wants me to be part of the launch and corrdination here in COS. I dunno if I can do it. It takes a whole lot of time, effort, corrdinatation, partying, etc. that I am not sure I have with a full-time job, 2 teenagers, physical therapy and injuries. I told him we would talk about it.

Hopefully work won't be so bad today. I am tired. Sinus headache coming on strong.

{Listening to the APL song by Black Eyed Peas}