Gimped

{listening to: Butterfly by Screaming Trees}
uneventful weekend...i hate the way that physical pain brings out emotional pain that you tried to ignore for a while.

i wonder sometimes if i need to get out more.. in the general scheme of things, the fact that i stay home and hang out with Honey & the kids is what i like doing. in the big picture, it makes me realize how isolated i am from my family and that i really only have a handful of people who are true friends. this doesn't bother me, but sometimes, i feel lonely. maybe its a self-defense mechanism. i have been burned more times than i care to count by those that I have let get close to me and i don't care to do it anymore. I am just speculating because i haven't put a whole lot of thought into it. Even my little brother and middle sister I feel betrayed by. How sad is that? Maybe its the distance from AZ to CO. Maybe.

I recognize that I have always been the black sheep of my family. More fiercly independent. but i always thought i was pretty close to my siblings. Now, since I broke up with my last boyfriend 5 yrs ago, i am alone. Middle sister and her husband lived across the street from him and have maintained their friendship with him. They have also brought little brother and his girlfriend into this friendship. Now, in a general sense, i have no problem with their friendship. My problem lies in that they all condone and approve of the hateful and hurtful things he said to me, about me and about my kids. I recognize that it is outside of them and it was between him and I. But, apparently, in my family, blood is not thicker than water.

Now, this is not a casual friendship they enjoy. They no longer live across the street from each other and coordinate get togethers on a weekly basis. Plan outings together. When my kids are in town, they take them to his house. He's generally nice to them and they enjoy going over there, but I just can't forgive the things he said. So i just don't say anything about it to the kids or to my sister/brother.

I don't hate him, i don't forgive him either. He is just a non-entity to me; no more or less than a stranger on the street emotionally. I don't wish for my kids to be around someone who has said horrible things about them, and their mom. So now, I hold this very very deep resentment toward my brother and sister. I don't know that i can get over it. It bothers me to my very core that they accept all the things that he has said to me and about me. Is this wrong? Is it jealousy? I guess to some degree the fact that they are more active in his life than in mine there is a bit of jealousy hanging on there. Whatever it is, I am at this point, inclined to pull further away from my family. In my current mindset, I really don't see it mattering all that much to them. It makes me sad that if the situation was reversed they wouldn't be expeced to be so understanding. I am pretty sure that if I befriended my sister's husband's ex-girlfriend, she would just be accepting of that. yeah, right...not so much. but god forbid i express any displeasure at their relationship with him, i just need to suck it the fuck up. Thats why i don't bother saying anything to them about it anymore. Its pointless. I'll keep my hurt to myself, its how its supposed to be.

Sometimes there is too much scorpio in me. I will give you all the trust and faith in the world. Betray that and i can write you off faster than you can blink. All in all, its sad really. I just feel myself more and more removed from my family. We'll see how it all plays out. I love them to death, i just hate the feeling that they have chosen to be his friend over being mine. Life moves forward. I really am too old to succumb to this type of bullshit. I think i am just supposed to be the strong one in my family. I'm sure its my own fault. I don't tell them that they have hurt my feelings, well not anymore. I love them more than they will ever know and I think that it doesn't even occur to them how deeply their actions hurt me. I suppose if they read this, they wouldn't understand. they wouldnt' get the tears streaming down my face at 7 in the morning. they would probably say something shitty about how stupid i am. to which i can only shrug and go back to my original point that they just don't get it. they don't get me. they don't care to get me. I have always loved them unconditionally, no questions asked, given all i have had to give when they needed it. when i need something emotionally from them. one thing, one smidgen of understanding of how i feel about something, i just can't get it. I will never tell them no to anything that I have to offer, whether they hurt me or not. I love them forever, they mean more to me than they will ever ever comprehend. And if it means that I keep my sanity by removing myself from them, so be it. i will still be there for them, always, forever, until i die.

Ex is moving to San Diego. Probably to be closer to his parents, probably to be closer to the water. I wish sometimes I didn't have the fear and could just do what i feel like doing when i feel like doing it. Someone has to be stable for the kids, guess thats me. Maybe someday.. someday i'll do what I want instead of what the kids want, or what is expected for me to be doing as a mom...someday i'll get my shit together enough to throw it all to the wind.

This is the kids first full week of school. anxious to see how they do. Princess made a friend on friday. I am so excited. I didn't have doubts that she would, she is outgoing and beautiful. The Boy is in advanced math and wants to be a student aide. I wish i knew what was in that boys mind. He was a total dick to everyone on sunday. Princess just was a bitch to her brother. they speak maybe like 5 words to each other, yet its got to be yelling.

for shit's sake kids.. be kind, rewind.

{listening to: I Try by Macy Gray}